To a national advice columnist, a woman wrote to complain about her father, who is in his late 80's, and lives on his own [alone]. Her complaint is he often goes to doctors to complain about his aches and pains. She said he had been to three doctors, didn't like their diagnosis' and intended to go to a forth doctor.
She said she visits him often and her two sisters who live out of town call him frequently. But she is tired of hearing him complain about his aches and pains and his complaints of the doctors' failure to help him. The advice columnist suggested his problem could be some form of dementia, something I do not agree with unless a doctor confirms such an extreme assessment.
She also advised this woman to join her father when he visits a doctor and listen in person to what that medical professional has to say. This I do agree with. The advice columnist also said this woman should check that his prescriptions are being accurately filled, which to me is fine.
But very likely what this late 80's man's is suffering from is none of these things. Instead, he is lonely. He no longer has a wife to love him, be with him and care for him and most of his longtime friends and others he knew have died or are physically incapacitated. This man is likely long retired and has too much time on his hands, so he focuses on himself and his aches and pains. Getting out to see doctors and their staffs gives him people to be with and something to fill his day.
In the community where she and her dad live, there are some combination of a senior citizens center, fraternal and civic organizations and religious institutions that offer programs for elders to participate in. This letter writer can help to involve her father in those social organizations.
But if this letter writer and her sisters really want to help their father, they could schedule a dinner each week for him to look forward to. I realize the two out of town sisters won't be able to attend many of those dinners but the sister who conducts them can invite others to join, especially other elders, and they can form their own group. I know from first hand experience how meaningful this dinner will become to her dad and the other regular attendees, as they look forward all week to it, and so will she.
Lastly, to all three sisters, I know you are busy and have your own lives. But thank your lucky stars you have a father still with you, one independent and strong enough to live on his own.
Think of him as having been there for you as children, to provide a home and put food on the table and to tuck you in at night, assuring you everything was fine. He was your advisor when you were a teenager, the man you turned to when your boyfriend broke your heart. Sometimes your dad was too stern but he was always caring. When you got married, he was there to help pay for the wedding and to "give you away" and if he could afford it, he was there to slip you a couple of dollars when you needed it.
Now he could be there for his grandchildren and his great-grandchildren, something they might enjoy as well. For the out of town sisters, fly him in to visit you and make him an active part of your and your family's lives. You may be surprised how many of his doctor visits and his aches and pains disappear, as his life becomes meaningful and active again.
Dick
These comments are in no way critical of the letter writer, whose letter may have been abbreviated by the newspaper chain, nor her sisters, nor the advice columnist. Instead, they are meant of offer other options in addressing the problems the letter writer raised.
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